April 29th, 2004

Tom Lehrer is Smug

and now part 3193 in a helpful zillion-part series


1. Carefully pour several cups of water into your Whizbang Coffee MakerTM's Water Receptacle.
2. Spill some water on the counter, but don't worry, that counter's super-absorbent!
3. Place #1 filter in the Whizbang Coffee ReceptacleTM.
4. Measure enough coffee into the Coffee Receptacle to your liking.

Many people do not know how much coffee to measure in order to get their coffee the way they like it. These are usually the same people who believe in the three-step measuring system, you know, the kind that has a "venti" thrown in to sound European and interesting. To help these poor unfortunate souls, we have devised a patented COFFEE SCOOP GUIDE that will take all the guesswork out of your rigorous coffee-measuring. To use it, simply look down the rows and choose the number of cups you need to make. Then follow that over to the column that best represents the kind of coffee you enjoy. The answer you'll find may not always be what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you neee-eeeed! Awwwww baby.

4. While measuring out the perfect amount, don't forget to spill some coffee on the counter, too, so the water doesn't get lonely.
5. Place Spiff-O-CarafeTM in the protective Heating Element DiscTM and turn the Maker-Activator SwitchTM to OnTM.
6. Wait about 25 minutes.
7. Wonder why the entire place hasn't been filled with the delicious aroma of fresh coffee yet.
8. Realize the toaster oven is plugged in, instead of the coffeemaker.
9. Pour contents of coffeemaker into toaster oven, switch on, and have a beautiful morning.