July 31st, 2003

Tom Lehrer is Smug

KIDS, DON'T TRY THIS AT HOME

Since around 8:30 this evening I have eaten roughly 1/2 a tin of Penguin Mints. For no reason other than hey, they're tasty. And they are.

As I have been doing since 1999, I'm eating them three at a time. This particular method of consumption cannot be called anything but "freebasing." Yet surprisingly enough, I am not bouncing off the walls nor dancing the hoola hoola while the cats stand around clapping in time and cheering me on. That rarely happens, as dear Abbie has such a poor sense of rhythm.

I am, however, experiencing a severe distortion of time. I thought it was "oh, around 11:30 or so" a few minutes ago. Ha! Ha! (The joke will definitely be on me, however, when I start to see the sun rise in about two and a half hours, which will seem to me like only 35 minutes. And then the inevitable crash will follow, but hey. I'm livin' the life without boundaries! Zang! Zoom! Exclamation marks!)

I do think, however, that I definitely need to put the tin away until tomorrow. But in the meantime, perhaps I'll code some insanely stupid Perl widget for no other reason than to burn off this excess Motivation.

Zang!

Zoom!
Tom Lehrer is Smug

Instant Faith-Based Body Modification for Jesus

Hey gang, here's a great idea for a major public prank I had in a dream last night.

What you do is offer Instant Faith-Based Body Modification for Jesus. Set up a big curtained booth, staff it with doctors in liturgical getup -- you know, robes and shawls and pinky rings and stethoscopes and clipboards -- and then recruit all your ugly people friends as plants who wander up and loudly ask the Lawd to make them pretty and cast off the terrible burden they've had all their life. Then you stick 'em in the big curtained booth for a few minutes, one of the "doctors" goes in and hollers I CAST THEE OUT, UGLINESS! and then you send the beautiful person-plant wearing the same clothes (who was hiding in the booth all along) out and everybody hollers HALLELUJAH! PRAISE JESUS! WHAT A WONDERFUL MIRACLE WE HAVE WITNESSED TODAY!

(For added viscera you can also bring out a large clear bucket of animal fat and say WE HAVE CAST THE DEMONS OUT AND LOOK, DEAR FRIENDS, AT THE UGLINESS REMOVED! Meanwhile, the ugly person sneaks out the back while everybody's attention is diverted to the witnessin' and praisin' in the front and goes out for drinks.)



...hrum.

You know, it really seemed like a top-notch idea in the dream. But then again, so did communism to Marx as he cuddled up nice and tight in his trundle bed...