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January 9th, 2005

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03:56 am - for the benefit of certain partygoers this evening
Once again, by popular (?) demand, the Hey This Is Pretty Damned Good Parody department presents a finding entitled

Houseplants of Gor

(written by Elle who has read far too many Gor books and taken far too
many finals to be allowed to run rampant on a computer.)

The spider plant cringed as its owner brought forth the watering can.
"I am a spider plant!" it cried indignantly. "How dare you water me
before my time! Guards!" it called. "Guards!"

Borin, its owner, placed the watering can on the table and looked at

"You will be watered," he said.

"You do not dare to water me!" laughed the plant.

"You will be watered," said Borin.

"Do not water me!" wept the plant.

"You will be watered," said Borin. I watched this exchange. Truly, I
believed the plant would be watered. It was plant, and on Gor it had
no rights. Perhaps on Earth, in its permissive society, which distorts
the true roles of all beings, which forces both plant and waterer to
go unhappy and constrained, which forbids the fulfillment of owner and
houseplant, such might not happen. Perhaps there, it would not be
watered. But it was on Gor now, and would undoubtedly feel its true
place, that of houseplant. It was plant. It would be watered at will.
Such is the way with plants.

Borin picked up the watering can, and muchly watered the plant. The
plant cried out. "No, Master! Do not water me!" The master continued
to water the plant. "Please, Master," begged the plant, "do not water
me!" The master continued to water the plant. It was plant. It could
be watered at will.

The plant sobbed muchly as Borin laid down the watering can. It was
not pleased. Too, it was wet.

But this did not matter. It was plant.

"You have been well watered," said Borin.

"Yes," said the plant, "I have been well watered." Of course, it could
be watered by its master at will.

"I have watered you well," said Borin.

"Yes, master," said the plant. "You have watered your plant well. I am
plant, and as such I should be watered by my master."

The cactus plant next to the spider plant shuddered. It attempted to
cover its small form with its small arms and small needles. "I am
plant," it said wonderingly. "I am of Earth, but for the first time, I
feel myself truly plantlike. On Earth, I was able to control my
watering. I often scorned those who would water me. But they were
weak, and did not see my scorn for what it was, the weak attempt of a
small plant to protect itself. Not one of the weak Earth waterers
would dare to water a plant if it did not wish it.

But on Gor," it shuddered, "on Gor it is different. Here, those who
wish to water will water their plants as they wish. But strangely, I
feel myself most plantlike when I am at the mercy of a strong Gorean
master, who may water me as he pleases."

"I will now water you," said Borin, the cactus's Gorean master. The
cactus did not resist being watered. Perhaps it was realizing that
such watering was its master's to control. Too, perhaps it knew that
this master was far superior to those of Earth, who would not water it
if it did not wish to be watered.

The cactus's watering had been finished. The spider plant looked at
it. "I have been well watered," it said.

"I, too, have been well watered," said the cactus.

"My master has watered me well," said the spider plant.

"My master, too, has watered me well," said the cactus.

"I am to be placed in a hanging basket on the porch," said the spider

"I, too, am to be placed in a hanging basket on the porch," said the

"I wish you well," said the spider plant.

"I, too, wish you well," said the cactus.

"Tal," said the spider plant.

"Tal, too," said the cactus.

I did not think that the spider plant would object to being watered by
its master again. For it realized that it was plant, and that here,
unlike on Earth, it was likely to be owned and watered by many

(9 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:January 9th, 2005 09:02 am (UTC)
Ellerol Elvish, author of this piece, is a lovely lady with whom I used to spend a fair bit of time, though alas, mostly online as she lived some distance away and we'd generally only see each other at cons and playparties. A few years ago, she did a masquerade costume to go along with this piece. It was wonderful. She will likely be at Arisia.
[User Picture]
Date:January 9th, 2005 07:10 pm (UTC)
That's awesome! Were I to go to such things, I would have to pay my respects for one of the best damn parodies I have ever read.
[User Picture]
Date:January 9th, 2005 05:07 pm (UTC)
Ugggghhhh. Five stars.
[User Picture]
Date:January 9th, 2005 09:27 pm (UTC)
I wonder what she could do with some frisky hobbits...
Date:January 9th, 2005 09:46 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
Date:January 10th, 2005 01:10 am (UTC)
Tu meke! hehehe
Date:January 10th, 2005 03:35 pm (UTC)


I have been transported back to Junior High, and the accompanying fantasies about riding giant birds.
[User Picture]
Date:January 11th, 2005 07:58 pm (UTC)
Thanks, darlin'.

I needed that. I think....
[User Picture]
Date:January 20th, 2005 03:28 am (UTC)

In the next installment...

Do they learn to refer to themselves as "This Plant"?

Funny stuff.

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