It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...

The Seinfeld Episode

Grog gave me a two-liter bottle of kosher Coca-Cola tonight. He's in the process of moving, and the step after "Make amends except when to do so would cause harm" is, of course, "Give away the contents of your refrigerator." It is his last bottle of kosher Coca-Cola, having squirrelled away a whole bushel-anna-peck since last Passover.

Kosher Coca-Cola is, of course, made with real cane sugar instead of corn syrup, just like treif Coca-Cola in years gone by. (Or in Europe. Your pick.) And, as you may have guessed, Coca-Cola with real cane sugar tastes so much better than the stuff made with corn syrup. It's smoother and sweeter and doesn't leave that high fructose "myeck" in your mouth. Those who have experienced the deliciousness of this stuff can only minimally stand the "actual" beverage. I mean, once you go kosher, you won't go back, fo' sure.

(You see what I did there? Yeah, I know. It won't happen again.)

At any rate, Grog's passing the last bottle on to me because he knows how much I like the stuff, too. I asked him where he got it, knowing that the stuff must be hard to find even in Stop & Shop, and he said "From a Jewish guy, of course! He knew where to go to get it, so he got me a lot."

We cracked it open and, to celebrate, had a small cup each. Pouring was extra-careful so as to not spill a single drop. We swirled the liquid in the glass half-facetiously, using all the fine skills of winetasting to savor the beverage. When later I picked up the bottle to take it home with me, it was slightly crimped, so I tried to open it and let the bottle resume its normal shape.

"What'd you do," I asked, "Screw the top on with a wrench?" This was an affront; Grog protested.

"I don't want it to go flat!"

And so it won't. It now sits in my fridge, a relic of utmost import. Doling out the beverage will be a holy rite, coinciding with a holiday or similar observance. At least until the next Passover. I mean, it's lifeblood, Jerry! Each delicious molecule of flavor granting an infusion of ichor to soothe the soul and tickle the palate. Oh yeah, it's good.

This strikes itself as secondary Seinfeldian to me. I mean, I could see Kramer and Newman in a B plot involving the last kosher Coke "made before the bottler's strike." They could either be hoarding the last bottle, sharing it between them in a Treasure of Sierra Madre style, or perhaps they embark on a crazy It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World-esque romp on a hunt for said bottle. The phrase "I know a guy who's got connections" would most likely be involved.

But only Kramer and Newman could do this. George and Jerry and/or Elaine could never have gotten away with this, oh no. It's not A plot-worthy. Jerry probably would be dealing with Grog's other problem, the problem of an unused, unwanted appliance which would invariably be left out on the street with a sign saying "IT WORKS." Of course the two plots would combine at the end -- maybe Kramer cleverly conceals the bottle in the minifridge on the curb, only to watch someone pick the fridge up and cart it off for themselves. ("Someone" here being a celebrity or former character ironically placed, or maybe just Crazy Joe Devola.) Then Jerry would do a riff on mini-fridges under the credits.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I could see it working. Or perhaps it's just the pure cane sugar talking, baby. Insert idiosyncratic bass riff here.
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