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November 23rd, 2004


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02:47 pm - Oh eck, help, I need a night owl with a car
THIS IS A SPATCHKETEER CODE ORANGE, EVERYBODY, SPATCHKETEER CODE ORANGE

I am returning from my Thanksgiving trip on Wednesday, December 1st. Well, actually, I arrive at 12:09 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, but I'm leaving on the 1st. This is because of timezones and flight times and things. And I'm not even 100% sure I'll arrive at 12:09 AM, seeing as how the time listed on the itinerary is always the hopeful flight time and doesn't take into account things like, oh, say, a 2-hour backup at O'Hare (who hasn't been there? Did you also know they begin to look at you funny when you take the Moving Walkway through the Soothing Neon Tunnel for your twelfth trip in a row?) or a six-hour tarmac wait in a snowstorm at BWI (lordy I was there and I don't think my psyche has fully recovered.)

BUT ANYWAY BARRING ANY UNFORSEEN CIRCUMSTANCES WHICH MAY PUSH MY ARRIVAL TIME WELL PAST THE HOPEFUL INTENDED TIME...

I am fully aware that even "arriving" at 12:09 AM on Thursday, December 2nd will not give me enough time to wait for my bag to tumble around the baggage conveyor, grab the next BUS TO SUBWAY and then make two, count 'em, two subway connections to get home.

(And now here's a pre-emptive strike against those nanny no-nos who always seem to pop up with their tales of "o dood I did it before and I got in at like 12:15 and I was totally trippin at the time too in Logan and everything don't worry you'll be fine also want a great way to smuggle heroin with balloons, I mean it's easy, how often do you poop on planes" because I CANNOT BELIEVE YOUR WICKED LITTLE LIES. If I do, the odds are two to one that I'll be stranded in the goddamn airport while you sleep it up at home. NO DON'T EVEN SAY IT! I cannot assume anything here! I don't care about this one time you and your aunt were able to do it because your aunt has titanium cyborg powerlegs of massive speed and she was able to carry you on her back and run down the Blue Line tunnel and catch up with the Orange Line at State. I don't have your Six Million-Dollar Aunt, goddammit.)

So this is what I'm asking for: I'm asking for a good person who likes night owling and who has a car to pick me up at Logan when I get in early Thursday morning. Please? With the sugar on top and everything?

HERE IS WHAT I CAN OFFER IN WAY OF RECOMPENSE
  • Hilarious banter and witty conversation on the ride home (no airplane food jokes)
  • One gray duffel bag and one backpack carry-on (though I'll have to take them with me when I get home)
  • I will buy you foodages at the appropriate 24-hour feedbag of your choice, should you be night owl enough to require delicious 24-hour feedbag foods when you pick me up. (Careful on this one, it's a little extra drive to get to a Bickie's or reasonable facsimile thereof -- though Kowloon in Saugus is closeby and open til 2 I believe. The savvy foodage-wanting person might also consider taking me up on the food-buying at a later date when times are a bit more amenable.)
  • The admiration and adoration of one Abbie The Cat, who, in my absence, will no doubt concoct a story about how the nice lady who was supposed to check up on him and feed him actually never fed him at all, in fact she took the cat food away when she arrived, it's true and everything, and that's why the food dish is only half empty as opposed to full and THANK YOU SO MUCH MR MANS FOR COMING BACK TO FEED ME AND THANK YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE FOR BRINGING HIM BACK TO FEED ME)
  • The pride and satisfaction of knowing that you kept the Taxi Mafia from a hefty $40 fare because honestly I don't have that kind of money to throw around at cabdrivers, what, are we the Rockefellers here or something?
That's my offer. Look at all that wonderfulness you, yes you would get to experience firsthand if you were able to drive me home from the airport early Thursday morning. How can you pass this up? Please do your part today and help a happy Spatch home. Or you could just Paypal me 40 bux and say "Suck it up, get a cab." Hey, either way is fine with me, only my way is better cause it means food.

THANK YOU FOR BIDDING LOOKING AND BE SURE TO CHECK HERE FOR MORE QUALITY HILARITY AND FUN POSTS ON A NEAR-WEEKLY BASIS

(16 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:androidqueen
Date:November 23rd, 2004 08:32 pm (UTC)
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i should be able to handle this.
From:lno
Date:November 23rd, 2004 08:35 pm (UTC)
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o dood I did it before and I got in at like 12:15 and I was totally trippin at the time too in Logan and everything don't worry you'll be fine also want a great way to smuggle heroin with balloons, I mean it's easy, how often do you poop on plane
From:lno
Date:November 23rd, 2004 08:35 pm (UTC)
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btw u want 2 borrow my aunt?/
[User Picture]
From:genarti
Date:November 23rd, 2004 08:47 pm (UTC)
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If I were in Boston with a car, I'd offer. As it is, I'm 4 hours away, but I want to anyway just because of the sheer amount of giggling this entry spurred.
From:guxx
Date:November 23rd, 2004 09:02 pm (UTC)
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If it wasn't during the first week of my new job, you know I'd help ya out.
[User Picture]
From:abbetaka
Date:November 23rd, 2004 09:32 pm (UTC)
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OK so like - what time would I have to leave from Kansas City MO to pick you up at Logan at 12:10AM and then have you to Dubuque IA by 6:15AM the next morning?

Maybe I should just pick you up in Vegas.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:November 25th, 2004 01:44 am (UTC)
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PERHAPS BONGHITS WILL HELP THIS ROADTRIP
OH WAIT IT IS JUST A STEELY DAN TAPE

Was it Dubuque or Cedar Rapids, anyway? I can't remember -- though I do remember flying out of both at one point or another in life. Probably was Dubuque.
[User Picture]
From:coffeebeanben
Date:November 24th, 2004 01:15 am (UTC)
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I'll do it for a beer.

[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:November 24th, 2004 04:36 am (UTC)

Going away for Thanksgiving?

(Link)
But, but who's gonna sing Alice's Restaurant?
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:November 24th, 2004 04:44 am (UTC)

Re: Going away for Thanksgiving?

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He will. It'll just be here instead of there. ;)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:November 25th, 2004 01:45 am (UTC)

Re: Going away for Thanksgiving?

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I also have time to do it tomorrow before leaving, you know.
[User Picture]
From:lillibet
Date:November 24th, 2004 05:31 am (UTC)
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If for some reason none of the above offers work out, I will also be around that evening and you have my mobile number (right?) so call me if you get stuck.
[User Picture]
From:minkrose
Date:November 24th, 2004 06:31 am (UTC)
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awww. if i had a car and was going to be home, i'd love to do it. i love picking people up at the airport in the middle of the night.

good luck. (i'd done it fer free, too. i just like hanging out with people in the middle of the night).
[User Picture]
From:tyopsqueene
Date:November 24th, 2004 09:32 am (UTC)
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This just made me laugh so much.

I'd like to say that if I lived in Boston, actually had a driving license, and owned a car, I'd love to come pick you up. Unfortunately I'm mean, like to sleep, and go to work early, so I probably wouldn't.
From:dcart
Date:November 24th, 2004 02:20 pm (UTC)
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$40? Really? Damn, I guess I was lucky to live right off of 93. I could usually get home on $18-20 plus tip.
[User Picture]
From:antiquated_tory
Date:November 24th, 2004 03:21 pm (UTC)
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What teh queen said. If I but had a driving license, a car, and lived on the same side of the Atlantic. Why don't you just blow off your relatives and hang with us in London that weekend instead? They have night buses.

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