I am returning from my Thanksgiving trip on Wednesday, December 1st. Well, actually, I arrive at 12:09 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, but I'm leaving on the 1st. This is because of timezones and flight times and things. And I'm not even 100% sure I'll arrive at 12:09 AM, seeing as how the time listed on the itinerary is always the hopeful flight time and doesn't take into account things like, oh, say, a 2-hour backup at O'Hare (who hasn't been there? Did you also know they begin to look at you funny when you take the Moving Walkway through the Soothing Neon Tunnel for your twelfth trip in a row?) or a six-hour tarmac wait in a snowstorm at BWI (lordy I was there and I don't think my psyche has fully recovered.)
BUT ANYWAY BARRING ANY UNFORSEEN CIRCUMSTANCES WHICH MAY PUSH MY ARRIVAL TIME WELL PAST THE HOPEFUL INTENDED TIME...
I am fully aware that even "arriving" at 12:09 AM on Thursday, December 2nd will not give me enough time to wait for my bag to tumble around the baggage conveyor, grab the next BUS TO SUBWAY and then make two, count 'em, two subway connections to get home.
(And now here's a pre-emptive strike against those nanny no-nos who always seem to pop up with their tales of "o dood I did it before and I got in at like 12:15 and I was totally trippin at the time too in Logan and everything don't worry you'll be fine also want a great way to smuggle heroin with balloons, I mean it's easy, how often do you poop on planes" because I CANNOT BELIEVE YOUR WICKED LITTLE LIES. If I do, the odds are two to one that I'll be stranded in the goddamn airport while you sleep it up at home. NO DON'T EVEN SAY IT! I cannot assume anything here! I don't care about this one time you and your aunt were able to do it because your aunt has titanium cyborg powerlegs of massive speed and she was able to carry you on her back and run down the Blue Line tunnel and catch up with the Orange Line at State. I don't have your Six Million-Dollar Aunt, goddammit.)
So this is what I'm asking for: I'm asking for a good person who likes night owling and who has a car to pick me up at Logan when I get in early Thursday morning. Please? With the sugar on top and everything?
HERE IS WHAT I CAN OFFER IN WAY OF RECOMPENSE
- Hilarious banter and witty conversation on the ride home (no airplane food jokes)
- One gray duffel bag and one backpack carry-on (though I'll have to take them with me when I get home)
- I will buy you foodages at the appropriate 24-hour feedbag of your choice, should you be night owl enough to require delicious 24-hour feedbag foods when you pick me up. (Careful on this one, it's a little extra drive to get to a Bickie's or reasonable facsimile thereof -- though Kowloon in Saugus is closeby and open til 2 I believe. The savvy foodage-wanting person might also consider taking me up on the food-buying at a later date when times are a bit more amenable.)
- The admiration and adoration of one Abbie The Cat, who, in my absence, will no doubt concoct a story about how the nice lady who was supposed to check up on him and feed him actually never fed him at all, in fact she took the cat food away when she arrived, it's true and everything, and that's why the food dish is only half empty as opposed to full and THANK YOU SO MUCH MR MANS FOR COMING BACK TO FEED ME AND THANK YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE FOR BRINGING HIM BACK TO FEED ME)
- The pride and satisfaction of knowing that you kept the Taxi Mafia from a hefty $40 fare because honestly I don't have that kind of money to throw around at cabdrivers, what, are we the Rockefellers here or something?
THANK YOU FOR