It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...

The Story of Bunny Bunny

Had this story kicking around, half finished, for about a year now. Just tonight I noticed it and thought I might as well try to finish it. It's funny when the You-This-Year goes up against the You-Last-Year and tries to recreate the style and tone of writing that one had previously (and really, all the product descriptions were written in one go, one grand and glorious moment of sheer descriptive ecstasy and some decent wordplay if I do say so myself. I shall be lucky if I ever find myself caught up in another mindset like that again.)

Careful readers and fans of a certain rabbity/hula catch phrase shall be interested but disappointed to note that this story is not the one that created the catch phrase; it merely attempts to use the hint of the phrase in a servicable and far less prurient setting. Those of you who just said "What the hell?" can just click on the link and continue to read. Your lack of knowledge of an admittedly exclusive in-joke will not detract, in any way, from your enjoyment of the piece.

By the way, I have no idea what it's all supposed to really mean.


Wonsa pawna time there lived a rabbit named Bunny Bunny. Bunny Bunny lived in a sunny meadow right by the edge of a forest. There he spent his time growing carrots, eating tasty greens, sleeping in the sun, and occasionally hiding from predators. It was more or less an idyllic lifestyle, if you don't count the hiding from predators part.

Then one day a sharp-tongued tongue sharpener and his assistant, a goat named Fred, appeared in the forest and as luck would have it, they happened first upon Bunny Bunny's little hutch. Bunny Bunny was out in the side yard tending to his carrot crops when he noticed the well-dressed fox and goat trying to push a large wheelbarrow up the muddy embankment nearby. They were not having a particularly easy time of it, but once the fox spied the rabbit, his spirits immediately brightened.

"Hello good day greetings and salutations to you dear sir or madam of the estate," began the tongue sharpener as Bunny Bunny put down his hoe to investigate the wheelbarrow. "I represent the Consolidated Amalgamated Confederated Biscuit and Cuckoo-Clock Company of Galveston, Texas, and with your kind permission I'd like to take a few moments of your precious time to show you these fine products that the good people of the Consolidated Amalgamated Confederated Biscuit and Cuckoo-Clock Company have made with pride in the U.S.A. just for you." He then inhaled deeply. Bunny Bunny blinked and the fox leaned forward.

"I have a question for you before we begin, though. Are you satisfied with how you're living?"

Bunny Bunny indicated that he was pretty much content with life.

"But are you happy, sir or madam? Are you truly happy with your lot in life? Could you stand to be, dare we say, happier?"

Bunny Bunny admitted it could be possible to be happier but all things considered, he was feeling fine.

"Let me let you in on a secret, anyway. In this wheelbarrow I hold secrets to true happiness and contentment. You will feel elation, joy -- and, dare I say, ecstasy -- with even just one of the fine products I offer for sale from the fine folks of the Consolidated Amalgamated Confederated Biscuit and Cuckoo Clock Company."

Fred rummaged around the big bag in the wheelbarrow and brought out a large cuckoo clock. It was bulky and garish and had pullchains in the shape of pinecones and dancing ladies carved all around the sides.

"This," proclaimed the tongue-sharpener, "is our big seller, our pride and joy: model number TD-542, an authentic genuine Barvarian Style Automated Chirping Timepiece as modelled after the famous clocks you will find in many of New York City's finest establishments. Note here the precision springs and the two hands that tell the time -- one for the hour, and one for the minute -- which let you know at a glance, at a mere glance, now, exactly what time it is. And every hour, on the hour, just so you know, a little hand-crafted bird pops out of the hatch here and chirps the merriest of tunes -- a different tune for each hour, mind you! As you can also see, the clock was meticulously designed to match any decor and fit almost any free space you may have on your walls. Only three easy payments, I said three now, just three simple payments and the clock is yours to keep and treasure for the rest of your life. You will be so happy every time you hear its merry chime! And as with all the products provided by the Consolidated Amalgamated Confederated Biscuit and Cuckoo-Clock Company, satisfaction is 100, I did indeed say one-hundred percent guaranteed or you may return the item for a full refund. You also get a three-month trial period to try the clock for yourself, in the comfort and privacy of your own home, and see how beautifully it brightens up any dark corner. So, pal, how about it?"

Bunny Bunny wrinkled his nose and sniffed the clock tenatively. The fox beamed, and Fred dropped the clock down on the ground by the door. The springs inside the clock made a funny noise. The fox pulled a length of fabric out of the bag and displayed it on his elbow.

"A wise decision, sir or madam, a wise decision indeed. One you or yours will never regret. Now if I could, I'd also like to take this moment to present to you the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to obtain what will surely become a collector's item: this replica victory sash, just like the one worn by Admiral Tenscott after he single-handedly conquered Antarctica. Note the intricate pattern that joins both the red and the blue fabric here, the quality gold stitching around the edges, and the overall durability of the entire hand-woven piece. See how hard I pull on both sides, and the stitching holds! You can try it, too, if you like. And lest you think it may not fit you for your victory parades, keep in mind this adjustable clasp on the sash ensures that, indeed, one size will fit all. You will be so happy every time you wear this sash. 100 percent guaranteed satisfaction and a three-month trial period. Do you think you're up for it?"

Bunny Bunny bent over to sniff the ground. Fred quickly placed the sash around the rabbit's neck but neglected to tighten the clasp. The cloth dragged on the ground as Bunny Bunny looked up again in surprise. The fox continued.

"Next here we have a replicant silver tray tea tray tea set, perfect for the hostess who regularly has friends over for tea but nothing to serve it in. Lovingly hand-crafted from the finest in galvanized tinplate silver substitute, this tea tray tea set is made of five tray pieces, five individual tea settings, and one teakettle large enough to contain seven cups of the most delicious tea you could ever think of brewing. And storage is a breeze, if you'll just permit me to -- look! It all folds up into its convenient carrying case. Just think how happy you and your guests will be when you have a perfectly lovely tea party with this set. 100 satisfaction guaranteed percent with a trial three-month period, yes?"

Bunny Bunny stared at Fred, who'd been rummaging through the bag. The fox quickly set down the tea tray tea set next to the cuckoo clock, and pulled a large red hoop from the bag.

"How about this? One true-life Hawaiian Islands Hoola Hoola Hoop, a thin, round shape that provides hours and enjoyment and amusement if you just hold it around your hips like so, and emulate the famous Hoola Hoola Dance that has entertained kings and dignitaries from the world over when they come to call upon the beautiful, pleasant Hawaiian Islands. And here's something you'll be surprised to know: this hoop, this simple hoop now, it provides a safe, therapeutic exercise to work both the abdominal as well as the sublingual muscles, enabling you to easily shed those unwanted pounds." Bunny Bunny skeptically looked down at himself -- he wasn't a large rabbit by any means.

"I know what you're thinking," continued the fox, "but trust me, sir or madam, this innocuous circle-toy will enrich your life and make you happier just for possessing it. 100 per three month cent guaranteed, you like?" Bunny Bunny shrugged. Fred dropped the hoop around the rabbit, where it fell to the ground to join the sash.

In the space of the the next twenty minutes, the fox had managed to sell Bunny Bunny the following items:

  • One quality hand-carved laminated wooden coffee table in the shape of a tree trunk from the forests of Madagascar;
  • One combination letter-opener and ocarina fashioned out of brass and copper;
  • One complete 19-volume hide-bound and gilt-edged set of the Thesaurus Anatonica;
  • One genuine petrified tarantula bound and sealed forever within a thick shell of amber sap;
  • One set of collectible and displayable bath soaps in the shape of the most famous destroyers of the Pacific Fleet;
  • One subscription to the Sunday Evening Sentinel;
  • One authentic Tiffany-Like Stained Glass Lamp with furry lampshade and three-way dimmer switch;
  • One gigantic metal tin, embossed with scenes of the sporting life and filled with cheese puffs;
  • One impossibly large piece of pop art in the form of an oversized kernel of popcorn (25 times its original size);
  • One Do-It-Yourself Guide to Drawing Caricatures The "Stinky" Harligen Way;
  • and forty-seven assorted "geegaws and doodads" that promised to turn one's junk drawer into a true, useful collection of tools, geegaws and doodads.

The only item not sold was the keychain that featured a tie-dyed lucky rabbit's foot -- when offered this trinket, Bunny Bunny merely looked down at his own feet and shrugged. The fox wisely tossed the keychain back into the bag and continued the hard sell. As was the mantra of the Amalgamated Syndicated each item came with a 100 percent guarantee of satisfaction and a three-month trial period, payment in three easy monthly installments each. And by the time the fox was well and truly out of breath, the wheelbarrow was empty. There was so much clutter around Bunny Bunny that he had to hop on the gilt-fringed imitation leather embossed ottoman to see the fox. Fred was leaning up against Bunny Bunny's house, trying to catch his breath as well.

"Now then," the fox grinned, peering over the clutter at the rabbit and moving in for the kill. "Let's talk terms of payment. You can, if you'd like, pay upfront in cash, as we have no qualms against accepting good old legal tender."

Bunny Bunny pointed out that actually, he had no cash on him, and never really had any to begin with.

"No cash on you, eh? Well, you can easily take advantage of our monthly installment plan, paying a partial amount of the price of each quality product purchased, plus compound interest, each month. Provided, of course, you pass the standard credit check -- a mere formality, really, just one of those hoops we have to jump through in order to ensure total happiness on both parts, and ... what was that?"

Bunny Bunny had just asked what credit was. The fox paused; to him it was just as surprising as if Bunny Bunny had just asked what a head of lettuce was. Nevertheless he quickly regained his composure and kept his glib sharpened tongue flying.

"Well, it's like this, see: We'll take your honest John word that you will pay us, as we request, every month on the month, as long as we have reassurances from others that you were similarly indebeted to them for a period of time and that your debts were paid off in a satisfactory manner. But not completely satisfactorily, perhaps 98% satisfactorily, as we like those who pay interest as well."

Bunny Bunny scratched behind an ear, then mentioned that he had never really been in debt to anybody else, unless you count the fact that he still owed the chipmunk down the way three carrots. But the chipmunk had never mentioned interest.

"Three carrots?" the fox mused, pulling sharply on his goatee. "And did you give this chipmunk the carrots you owed him in a timely manner?"

Bunny Bunny noted that he was growing the carrots just now and they'd be ready for harvest soon, though the chipmunk was not known for his patience and had come by several times in the past month to try and collect. This made the fox very unhappy.

"I see," he said slowly, and picked up the collection of bath soaps. "I don't believe you have passed our perfunctory credit check, I'm afraid."

Bunny Bunny couldn't really have cared less about the matter, really. The fox really didn't like to hear this.

"Now, honestly," he began, his voice beginning to rise, "did you really think that you would get away with attempting to purchase these fine goods when you have no cash on hand and no experience with settling debts in the right and proper manner?"

Bunny Bunny wrinkled his nose, and explained he hadn't even made the decision to buy these items in the first place.

"Well! Of all the cheek!" The fox threw the bath soaps back into the wheelbarrow, where they landed with a loud clang. "Come on, now, Fred, we have no sale here! This slacking layabout is definitely not deserving of our attempts at good commerce." Fred got himself up from where he'd been laying and proceeded to help the fox take back the merchandise. They took the geegaws, doodads, caricature guide, popcorn, metal tin, subscription application, amber-encased tarantula, combination letter-opener/ocarina, and the coffee table, and piled them back in the wheelbarrow. They closed up the tea service, picked up the hoop, unclasped the sash and stashed those away in the wheelbarrow as well. Finally Fred picked up the cuckoo clock and hoisted it on his back, casting a compunctious look at Bunny Bunny, who had stood still while this whirlwind of activity had engulfed him. Finally the fox strapped down the last of the goods and mopped his brow.

"Good day to you, sir or madam!" he formally declared, snapping his hat back on his head defiantly. "We shall offer our fine wares to someone more capable of acquiring them! Perhaps your neighbors, so you can witness second-hand the pure pleasure and joy these will bring to them, the lucky so-and-sos."

And with that, he began to push the wheelbarrow down the road, Fred close behind with the cuckoo clock on his back. As they stormed out of sight the wheelbarrow hit a small rock in the road, jostling the goods about and dislodging the red hoola hoop from its place. Unnoticed by the two duffers, it rolled back a ways towards Bunny Bunny, eventually losing speed and settling gently by his feet.

Bunny Bunny thought of summoning the hawkers back to retrieve their goods, but then looked down at the plastic hoop.

He picked the hoop up.

He put the hoop around his waist.

He shimmied to the left.

And he shimmied to the right.

The hoop spun pleasingly around.

Truth be told, it did make him kind of happy.

And so Bunny Bunny shimmied back over to his carrot crop, hoola hooling all the way.



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