It's just this little chromium switch, here... (derspatchel) wrote,
It's just this little chromium switch, here...

Billy, Don't Be a Hero

Being the true accounts of Billy Gunderson the Barbarian on his Epic Quest to Defeat Diablo or Something


5/26. I've been travelling for a long time. Like, ever since the cutscene. I hope I find civilization soon. I hope this quest is worth it. I mean, I wonder what I was thinking, setting out for an epic quest to defeat the Lord of Evil with only a blunt axe, a dinged-up shield, and four minor health potions that aren't worth the bottles they're in. Perhaps I should've planned ahead a bit better. Perhaps I should've planned ahead period. Ah well, you know what they say, hindsight is 20/20 and the better part of valor and stuff. Maybe I'll luck out and find some boots.

5/27. Arrived in some camp full of female rogues. Oh yeah! Who are all part of some monastery. Aw hell. Vow of Chastity my highlander tuckus. I think they're just saying that to let me down easy.

5/28. Made some new friends. Gheed's a trader but since he's a guy they make him stay in the far corner of the camp away from everybody else. Warriv can hang around the center fire all he wants, but I don't think he's much of a threat if you know what I mean.

5/29. Charsi, the Blacksmith in Town, says she's glad to see some strong adventurers around here. I guess I'm it, eh. Gheed says Charsi's not only the town blacksmith but the town bicycle as well, and I laughed for a while until I realized I don't know what a bicycle is. After Gheed explained it to me I went over and asked Charsi for a date, but she said she couldn't tonight cause she already made plans to uphold her Vow of Chastity or whatever.

5/30. I wondered how the girl rogues could be in a monastery, when they should be in a convent or something, at least, that's what I would think, but when I tried asking their leader Akara about this, all she did was keep healing me.

5/31. I figured out why Warriv gets to hang around the ladies. He took a Vow of Chastity, too. Only, he says "That just means I got married to a loveless nag in Travincal. Ha! Ha!" Then he looked real sad for a moment. Then he perked up and punched me in the arm and I think he meant to punch kinda hard as if we were in a tavern having ale and singing battle songs, but he ended up scraping his knuckle on my metal sleeve.

6/1. Geez, these rogues are useless. They were all up in arms over some Den of Evil that had popped up around their camp. Vicious creatures were inside, they said, creatures that had terrorized them and killed off a zillion of their sisters or sistren or whatever. Akara implored me to go clean it out for them, even though I've just got a dinky axe and a rusted shield. Sure, I thought, I'll just go cleanse this Den for you even though I'm about as well-armed as a first-grader, but do you know what? Holy cats, that place wasn't Evil at all. It wasn't even a Den, really, more like an unfinished rec room. The only "vicious creatures" in it were a bunch of these tiny quill rats that don't even hurt and some stupid zombies. I finished that in no time flat and the next thing you know, the rogues are all like "Oh you sure are strong" and "Wow, we never would have been able to defeat those slow-moving zombies on our own" and "Sorry, not tonight, I'm oiling my bowstring."

6/4. Sorry I haven't written much recently but I've been travelling around trying to find someone called Blood Raven. I'm supposed to kill her. I told the rogues I wasn't much of an assassin since I have a Y chromosome and I don't have fancy-ass claws, but Kashya, the pompous one, told me to just do it. So off I went. I did get a new shield, though, which is helpful. This one doesn't have any holes in it.

6/5. Found Blood Raven! She'd been defiling some tombs in a nearby cemetary. She mostly ran around and threw stuff at me. So I beat her up and then, in celebration, plundered the tombs I'd just saved. Awesome! I got a cap out of it, too.

6/6. As a token of her appreciation, Kashya promised she'd hook me up with a rogue sister of hers. Her name is Elly. She asked me how to spell my name and I told her it was Billy with two Ls and Gunderson with an SON, so she scratched it on an arrow. When I asked her what she was doing, she said she now had an arrow with my name on it in case I tried anything funny. Okay already. I get the hint.


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