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March 30th, 2004


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04:32 am
Once again, using a modified and expanded variant of the patented Growf scale of domestic pet satisfaction:

                                                        SCIENTIFIC                 SOLD TO 
     PET                            MEAT              EXPERIMENTATION            THE GYPSIES        
      |-------------------------------|- - - - - - - - - - - | - - - - - - - - - - - - |
MARTHA      XX
ABBIE                                                                                 XX
      |-------------------------------|- - - - - - - - - - - | - - - - - - - - - - - - |


Thanks for ruining what was shaping up to be a perfectly lovely dream by RUNNING THROUGH THE APARTMENT PELL-MELL, KNOCKING CRAP OFF THE DESK, KNOCKING THINGS OVER ON THE GROUND AS YOU RUN AROUND IN THE AFOREMENTIONED PELL-MELL FASHION, AND BANGING ON A GODDAMNED CARDBOARD BOX LIKE IT WAS A FREAKIN BONGO, YOU MISERABLE MEWLING, EATING AND POOPING MACHINE. I HOPE TO GOD YOU COME BACK IN YOUR NEXT LIFE AS A VERY VERY VERY LIGHT SLEEPER.


Also, on a completely unrelated tangent: Sex on a bearskin rug -- "whoa, cool" or "oh, no way"? I mean, cause if you think about it, you're having sex on the back of a big dead bear. BIG DEAD BEAR BACK SEX. Somehow this can not be right in any sense of the word.

(Actually, the tangent is actually related; I was lying in bed clutching pillows over my ears imagining an Abbie the Cat Skin Rug, and then thought about bearskin rugs, and what their appeal is -- and I remembered that supposedly folks, you know, DOOOOO IT on the rug. Which just seemed to me like a horrible thing to do that poor dead bear. Insult to injury, and all that. I mean, picture it: There you are, a happy bear, raiding pic-a-nic baskets and eating honey in that cute way folks assume bears do, then someone shoots you and skins you and leaves you on the floor, with your mouth fixed open in a very fierce RAAAAAAWR expression that you never affected while you were alive, and then two people come by and proceed to get all naked and sweaty on your back and probably not clean up the resultant mess. Sure, you probably wouldn't care much cause you were dead, but still, what if you were, like, a ghost? Wouldn't it just chafe your rugged-out hide to see that happen? And criminy, what else do you want from me, all REM-interrupted and cranky at 4 AM?)

(20 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


From:shatteredskins
Date:March 30th, 2004 03:12 am (UTC)
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BIG DEAD BEAR BACK SEX would be a great grief title.
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From:tyopsqueene
Date:March 30th, 2004 03:47 am (UTC)
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Great minds think alike. *plots*
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From:derspatchel
Date:March 30th, 2004 08:59 am (UTC)
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I smell incorrigibility on the wind...
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From:karyn
Date:March 30th, 2004 05:15 am (UTC)
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hmm. i guess i'm unsure, but i don't suspect that bear fur is all that soft. doesn't seem like it'd feel good on your bum.
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From:betweenstations
Date:March 30th, 2004 06:45 am (UTC)
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Heck, as you ponder the Abbie Hide Rug(tm), ponder the added injustice of fucking on the Abbie Rug, given that he is a cat without nads. He is a cat who cannot, as they say, fuck.
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From:derspatchel
Date:March 30th, 2004 09:05 am (UTC)
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He covers a lot of ground, sure, but I bet he wouldn't cover a lot of bum. And that's all I think I'll say about that.
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From:betweenstations
Date:March 30th, 2004 09:39 am (UTC)
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You could make him into a custom merkin and sell him on eBay.
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From:ooshiny
Date:March 30th, 2004 07:02 am (UTC)
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you know, come to think of it, i do not get the appeal of the bear-skin rug; i just always took it for granted that that's the ULTIMATE SEX EXPERIENCE, but only in front of a roaring fire.

myself, i think i'd much prefer an angora-rabbit-skin blanket. but a lot of them sewn together, not just one rabbit. that's kind of silly.
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From:plumtreeblossom
Date:March 30th, 2004 07:06 am (UTC)
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I'd rather have Polar Fleece(tm) than a dead bear.
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From:annilita
Date:March 30th, 2004 07:34 am (UTC)
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I just can't get over the sweat/fur factor. Wouldn't all the motion get the fur floating around? You really don't want to deal with bear fur getting in your eyes and mouth when you're trying to get it on.

And what if you got all tangled up and the bear bit you? Try explaining THAT in the emergency room.

"Uhh... a bear bit me while we were having sex... I MEAN when my husband and I were having sex on its back... I MEAN... Oh, just give me a bandage already!"
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From:desultor
Date:March 30th, 2004 08:46 am (UTC)
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i think i would like to walk around with a big bearskin cloak. like, have its gaping maw over my head and be all intimidating. i think i would definitely not use the cloak for sex though, since i agree that sweating on fur is really kind of icky.

but, the real question that arises from all this is, what IS the Ultimate Sex Experience (tm)?? satin sheets? in the surf? in blue light a la top gun? under a waterfall? what?
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From:derspatchel
Date:March 30th, 2004 10:38 pm (UTC)
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what IS the Ultimate Sex Experience (tm)??

I'd say it's whatever you make to be, provided those involved are satisfied and get what they want. But that's just being philosophical now. And kinda wistful, to boot.
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From:pecosy
Date:March 30th, 2004 09:10 am (UTC)
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It would get sticky beyond measure. I'd imagine bear fur is not the easiest thing in the world to keep clean. I would be thinking about all the sweaty butts that had been there before me... EEWWW!

Cat-related bear-rug aside: My dad once had a bear skin rug, given to him by a former employer, and one day his cat used it as a litter box. He had washed it and hung it outside to dry and someone stole it. So we learn that cats and bear rugs are mortal enemies.
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From:tyopsqueene
Date:March 30th, 2004 09:35 am (UTC)
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Fake fur's no better tho' due to STATIC ELECTRICITY. Which I believe is *my* super secret weakness.
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From:nathanw
Date:March 30th, 2004 11:29 am (UTC)
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"scientific experimentation" comes *before* "sold to the gypsies"?
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From:betweenstations
Date:March 30th, 2004 12:49 pm (UTC)
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I suspect it depends on who pays more.
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From:muffyjo
Date:March 30th, 2004 11:49 am (UTC)
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Ok, some of this point has been missed, I mean, um, bears do it on bear skins...in fact, the things that bears get into..well,not all bears only eat honey...ya know? So I don't think I would worry so much about the sweat and other bodily fluids WE leave....

The idea, if I recall, was the warmth of the fire and btw, yes, they are soft. Softer than woven rugs that people put in front of fires nowadays. And because the fur is fairly long, it doesn't exactly chaffe, it sort of moves with you..NOT that I have EVER tried it.
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From:derspatchel
Date:March 30th, 2004 10:15 pm (UTC)
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Would it be possible to make a rug of bear fur and not have it be an actual factual bear hide? I had the feeling the softness of the fur is nice... but I don't dig the idea of getting down on what once was actual bear back.

Bear back != bare backs!
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From:muffyjo
Date:March 31st, 2004 07:38 am (UTC)
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I wonder if one can spin bear fur, you know, like spinning wool? I have a feeling it wouldn't be very soft, though. I think the thickness of the hairs would make it too coarse.
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From:luckimunki
Date:March 30th, 2004 06:44 pm (UTC)
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At this point, I think I'd just settle for "sex" and worry about whether it's on some dead animal or not. That might be TMI.

Also, I'm always threatening my cat that I'll sell him to the circus. Do you think gypsies are more threatening? Should I try that?

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