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EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD! - ASK THE GUY WHO GETS ASKED THINGS

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June 18th, 2014


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02:08 am - ASK THE GUY WHO GETS ASKED THINGS
Today's letter comes from Mr. P. Paternoster from Fort Worth, Texas, who writes:
Dear Guy Who Gets Asked Things,

In the song "Charlie on the MTA", which is all about Charlie on the MTA, there's a verse about Charlie's wife giving him a sandwich every day when his train comes through the station. Why doesn't she just hand him a nickel so he can get off the train and be done with it?

Yours drooly,
P. Paternoster

Dear Pat,

The answer to this one is simple: Charlie the eternal subway rider and his train are caught in a trans-dimensional wormhole where time goes by a lot differently than it does here on our home planet. Thus, if Mrs. Charlie were to hand her husband a nickel this afternoon as the wormholed train comes a-rumbling through, Charlie would receive it in roughly 50,000 years--enough time for both the nickel to devaluate and the exit fare to be abolished, return, and get hiked up exponentially. Even if Mrs. Charlie (whose name is Sylvia, by the way, and she very kindly did not hang up on me today) were to deposit that nickel in an account at the Boston Five Cents Savings Bank, the interest accrued by the time Charlie receives the passbook would not be enough to cover the fare. Besides, the Five Cents Savings Bank was bought by Citizens Bank a long time ago and the account gets socked fifteen bucks every month. You do the math.

Signed,
The Guy Who Gets Asked Things

But, Guy Who Gets Asked Things,

Wouldn't this time dilation also mean that every sandwich Charlie's wife gives him arrives completely rotted and inedible?

P. (not Pat) Paternoster

Dear Pete,

Yes, but he's too nice a guy to say anything about it.

-TGWGAT




The Guy Who Gets Asked Things (right) is a six-time Battle of the Network Stars team captain and has many amusing stories about his Uncle Max.

(13 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:sovay
Date:June 18th, 2014 06:29 am (UTC)
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Thus, if Mrs. Charlie were to hand her husband a nickel this afternoon as the wormholed train comes a-rumbling through, Charlie would receive it in roughly 50,000 years--enough time for both the nickel to devaluate and the exit fare to be abolished, return, and get hiked up exponentially.

Now if the nickel is currently worth $2903.36 Galactic Microstandard, in what year did Mrs. Charlie originally hand the coin to her husband? Please show your work.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:June 18th, 2014 06:35 am (UTC)
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Trick question! That year's missing from the Galactic records.
[User Picture]
From:sovay
Date:June 18th, 2014 06:42 am (UTC)
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That year's missing from the Galactic records.

Bureaucracy is no excuse for bad math!
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:June 18th, 2014 07:03 am (UTC)
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All I'm saying is that it's very hard to search for * in the yearly archives.

e: actually that part's rather easy; it's getting the right result that's tough.

Edited at 2014-06-18 07:04 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:nineweaving
Date:June 18th, 2014 06:54 am (UTC)
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On the last loop, Charlie tried to show the conductor (one, or possibly several, Theophilus Kleinbottels) his passbook, but the picture had morphed into that of a roving coralgrouper (Plectropomus pessuliferus).

Nine
[User Picture]
From:sovay
Date:June 18th, 2014 07:19 am (UTC)
(Link)
On the last loop, Charlie tried to show the conductor (one, or possibly several, Theophilus Kleinbottels) his passbook, but the picture had morphed into that of a roving coralgrouper (Plectropomus pessuliferus).

Congratulations; you have successfully captioned an Edward Gorey drawing we need necromancy to view.
[User Picture]
From:cloudscout
Date:June 18th, 2014 11:58 am (UTC)
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Why don't all my mornings start like this?
[User Picture]
From:gaudior
Date:June 18th, 2014 12:25 pm (UTC)
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Ah! I had always wondered. Thank you for this clear and definitely accurate answer!
[User Picture]
From:orionsmom
Date:June 18th, 2014 01:53 pm (UTC)
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I asked this very same question when I first heard the song 30 years ago.
[User Picture]
From:susskins
Date:June 18th, 2014 05:18 pm (UTC)
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These are the hard-hitting kinds of facts that my medium told me to look for.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:June 19th, 2014 05:11 am (UTC)
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It's happening almost exactly like the gypsy lady said!!
[User Picture]
From:grendelyn
Date:June 19th, 2014 08:20 am (UTC)
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Silly me... I just always assumed she didn't want him back...
[User Picture]
From:gee_tar
Date:June 19th, 2014 04:25 pm (UTC)
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Thank you P. Paternoster for asking the question I've been afraid to ask.

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