July 24th, 2013
|04:58 am - Cat funeral at midnight|
We buried him tonight in Lexington.
The vet visit was brief. Dr. Jake arrived around 8:30 pm, gave me a waiver to sign certifying I was the owner of the cat and that I authorized the procedure, and explained to those assembled--Tracy, Nurit, Sonya and Tricia--what he had recently told me over the phone. The first shot is a sedative and anxiety reducer, which would put him in an endorphic dream state. The second shot, administered five minutes later, would quietly send him off. Dr. Jake gave us time to say goodbye before the shots, but we've been saying goodbye to him all week.
I held him on my lap, cradling his head in one hand and stroking his fur with another. His skin had become cold to the touch an hour or two before. His breathing had become more and more labored, and Sonya sat beside me and placed a reassuring hand on his chest. Tracy had thoughtfully combed Abbie so he looked sleek and good one last time. I wailed at the first shot; I wailed louder at the second. That was the point of no return. You can be in denial all you want, you can still hold out the smallest hope in your heart that maybe just maybe he'll perk up and this whole silly cancer thing was just one big joke ha ha got me good there buddy, but once that needle goes in and the tourniquet is released, there are no takebacks.
It mercifully did not take long. I held my best friend in my arms and felt his life slowly ebb away. I told him to go with the Cats who had Gone Before. I knew they were there, emerging from the shadows and the sun, singing him a song of mourning and joy, of welcome and farewell. I sang him his lullaby. He did not know we were there. It didn't matter. I felt his chest rise and fall a few more times, I felt his pulse grow softer and softer, and then he was gone. It was 8:45.
We sat in the living room for a long time like we did with Martha, petting the cat and talking about his life. So many things had already been said, but it was okay to say them again. Dr. Jake helped me take the cat's collar off. I will never part with it. Should I ever need to hear that jingle of tags, should I ever need to remind myself of his presence, I can do that. It is an incredible comfort.
Then we wrapped him up in his carrier towel. In his paws I placed Catnip Frog, which had been a gift from my mother, and the red yarn mouse, a gift from Sonya's mother. Then we wrapped him in a bedsheet shroud, placed it in one half of the cat carrier and took him to Lexington: me, sovay, and ratatosk. hermitgeecko arrived several minutes later with an incredibly useful flashlight. Together, we represented four of the six or seven most important people in his life. It mattered so much to me that they would be the ones to help me lay him to rest. We may not have had enough for a kitty minyan, but Abbie was a Foodatarian anyway and besides he always was wary with a crowd.
We had planned on burying Abbie under Rosabella, a flowering dogwood tree Sonya had planted as a child and which she cherishes dearly. Rosabella, however, offered no reasonable spot for us to dig. She has low-hanging branches and I really did not want to injure her roots with our shoveling. Instead, we moved further back in Sonya's yard to a tall pussy willow, grown from a sprig of the tallest pussy willow in the state of Maine. We marked out a grave in the grass between the pussy willow and Sonya's family radio telescope. (What, didn't you have one in your backyard growing up?)
Digging a grave is a difficult, grubby, back-aggravating, blister-inducing, yet extremely personal and intimate job. Digging a grave at midnight is especially difficult because the sounds of metal on rocks could bother the neighbors, and you really don't want to have to explain to the nice police officers why you're out digging a shallow grave in someone's backyard in the middle of the night. We could have done it in daylight tomorrow, but Sonya and Tracy both felt a sense of urgency to finish this story that started two Saturdays ago. We also had no place to keep him overnight--in the words of Oscar Hammerstein, "it's summer and we're running out of ice."
All four of us took turns in shifts digging, holding flashlights when we weren't taking a turn at the shovels. The topsoil came out very easily, but the ground underneath was full of rocks the size of footballs. Either kind. The glacier that came through New England sure was generous with the granite. We spent more time digging and scraping and removing the large stones than we did actually moving dirt. The stones were put aside for the cairn we would build when we were done.
Finally, after levelling out a decently deep spot, we went back to the car to retrieve the cat. As I pulled the cat carrier-bier out of the car, Sonya asked me if I wanted a hand. No, I said. I need to do this myself.
Took two steps and looked down at the sheet-shrouded lump which had once been the greatest cat in the world. And I cried the rest of the way to the gravesite. These things, see, hit you in stages. Perspective whups you upside the head and you suddenly have an Awful Realization about what you're doing. I'd been whupped: I am now going to bury my cat. It will be a few weeks yet, I think, before I get whupped again and realize he is well and truly gone.
We placed Abbie the Cat in the hole we had made just for him. I sang his lullaby to him one more time. sovay remembered how he'd once wanted a piece of her chicken caesar wrap so badly that she acquiesced and gave him a nibble, which he promptly threw up--and then asked for more. Carolyn told the story of the time she'd playfully placed a chip clip on the side of his mane, which promptly caused him to throw up. (She then turned to me and gleefully exclaimed, "I've hacked your cat's firmware!") I am not sure why so many legendary stories about cats involve prompt vomiting, but there you go.
Sonya, Carolyn and I each tossed a symbolic handful of dirt into the grave, then I took a shovel and began to fill it. I needed to take the first round of shovelling, just like I needed to carry him over by myself. He was my cat; I was his guy. Sonya softly sang the same low, sweet song she had sung the previous Monday when we first thought Abbie was on his way out. I tamped down the dirt with the shovel, cringed at the clanging sound, and stepped into the grave to tamp it down with my feet. I looked down at the dirt and assured Abbie that even though I may have threatened it in the past, this was not dancing.
ratatosk took over the filling duties after a while, and once the dirt was mostly replaced we took all the stones removed from the dig and built the cairn. Since Lexington has coyotes, it was practical as well as symbolic. The cairn looks to be the best you can build in the middle of the night. Some day soon we may have a daylight memorial for the fellow, and possibly make a proper headstone. He was a Good Cat.
The toughest part is over. There is a deep feeling of relief hidden among the profound sadness and desolation. I no longer have to worry about Abbie and how long he might last in such a sad, painful condition. I no longer have to check on him, to hold him, to look in his big soft kitten eyes and see a friend yearning to let go. On the other hand, I will never again get to check on him, to hold him, to look in his big soft kitten eyes and see a friend. To paraphrase George C. Tilyou, I had troubles yesterday which I do not have today; I have troubles today which I did not have yesterday. I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
There is a palpable emptiness in the house now, but there is also peace. This is how it happens.
Digging a grave at midnight is especially difficult because the sounds of metal on rocks could bother the neighbors, and you really don't want to have to explain to the nice police officers why you're out digging a shallow grave in someone's backyard in the middle of the night.
Laughing through tears now. Keeping you all in my thoughts.
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 09:38 am (UTC)|| |
Weeping at my home desk.
He was a wonderful cat. You are a wonderful man, Sonya is a wonderful woman and you have so many friends who love you.
There may be a time delay, but if you and the rest of Abbie's people get hit with a wave of sympathy and mental *hug* vibes, that'll be me. I'm so sorry. He was the luckiest Cat with a Posse in the world.
Rest in Peace, Abbie, and Peace Be With You, Spatch. You were lucky to have each other. "It is not often that someone comes along who is a true friend and a good writer."
Owlet's face is now moist.
What a good boy he was. What a good human you were to him.
I've tried to write about Mona's death and failed, so I'm impressed by both your strength and your talent. Fair winds to Abbie, and an abatement of grief in the weeks and months to come to you.
It's never easy, it can't be easy when you love someone that much, but if it's any comfort at all, you've clearly done absolutely everything for him that one person can do for someone he loves. More than what Abbie obviously had, no cat could wish.
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 01:09 pm (UTC)|| |
I am so sorry for your loss. Glad you got to say a good goodbye, but still ow. He sounds like he was a very good cat indeed. May his memory be a blessing to you.
Abbie was a Good Cat. You are a Good Owner.
Btw I'm fairly certain that 90% of cat tales involve barfing ... ;)
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 02:36 pm (UTC)|| |
My profoundest sympathies.
I lost my Mittens at Christmas -- she was fourteen and I miss her. My husband buried her in my to-be-planted rose garden and I planted an English tea rose to mark the grave. It seemed right somehow.
So I feel for you in your fresh loss and I share your pain. It is one of the hardest things about being a pet owner -- losing them so soon.
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 02:38 pm (UTC)|| |
I'm glad he had you and yours there. Glad you all had each other. Abbie was a Very Good and Troublesome Cat, and really, that's the best kind of cat to be. Glad to have met him, that his fur got combed one last time... And *warmth* from another of his posse. I will miss his clumps of fur. And, I am glad he isn't hurting.
(My vet told me, right before giving my cat Inge the 2 Shots, that vets who turn to suicide choose this medicine, after seeing its effect on their patients: no spasms. No seizures. Just sweet sleep and then no more. Somehow, that was comforting, in the moment.)</p>
I wish you all the comfort as you miss your dear friend. The world is a dimmer place today, without his spark. ...In my tradition, to grieve someone is part of ensuring they get a good send-off, that they enter the realm of the ancestors, no sweat. I love you, Mr. Abbie the Cat.
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 02:56 pm (UTC)|| |
Sleep well Abbie, your Posse are watching for your star. You're a Good The Guy, the best The Guy a cat could ask for.
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 03:16 pm (UTC)|| |
Having gone through something similar with Julio a few months ago, I'd like to think I know some of how you are feeling. As painful as it is and will be, you gave him a wonderful gift. I hope that is some comfort to you now and in the future.
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 03:42 pm (UTC)|| |
Yeah, I'm crying here too.
Hugs to you all. Wishing you comfort and peace.
This is a beautiful tribute, and I teared up a number of times. Abbie was a good cat, and a good friend. May his memory bless you always.
So sorry to hear that you have lost your boon companion. I'm glad Abbie had such loving humans caring for him.
(btw, this is Elizabeth Stone's nom-de-lj, which is not all that public, so keep somewhat under your fedora)
Thank you for writing this. If you ever doubt that you are a Writer, read it over and doubt no more. I haven't buried any of my cats; I let the vet cremate them. The mortal remains are just the envelopes; we all keep the letters. But we all decide what to do with the envelopes, too, and this is a beautiful way to manage it.
May his memory be a blessing.
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 09:12 pm (UTC)|| |
Thank you for letting us share in Abbie's final days.
Crying on the train. Thank you for being such a good, loving, caring family member to Abbie through the very end of his life.
I am sorry for your loss. *hugs*
Farewell, Abbie. I regret never having met you, but I'm glad so many others have. Love to Rob and Sonya and all of Abbie's impressive Posse.
I am very sorry for your loss, but at the same time, well done.
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 09:40 pm (UTC)|| |
My fave memory of Abbie and Martha:
Dani, Tricia and I had just moved in to the house in Redding. I was sitting in the rocking chair, rocking away. Little did I realize that the rocking was causing a plastic bag on the floor to rustle, capturing the cats attention.
Abbie begins to stalk the noise, eyes dilated wide and in a low crouch. The epitome of concentration. Just as he passed my hand, I reached down to pet him.
Which startled him so badly, he jumped, elevated for what seemed at least a good 10 seconds before turning and dashing out of the living room with Martha in hot pursuit.
That is the night I fell in love with the furry guy.
|Date:||July 24th, 2013 10:06 pm (UTC)|| |
Very beautiful, for such a sad story.
This made me weep. We lost our Phaedra 8 years ago now, and this brought it all back. With the best of cats, you never really get over losing them. I'm so glad you had Abbie, and I'm so glad Abbie had you (and Sonya, and the others.)
Shedding tears for Abbie, and for you.
Thank you for writing this. My sympathies and warm thoughts.
Thanks for sharing this. Abbie was a cat with presence! When he came briefly in to greet us, he entered with gravitas, which he retained, even when being hugged and scritched.
I remember holding Maxie-cat just about exactly a year ago as she started her journey to the other side. She had been in so much pain and when the sedation was given to her, she truly relaxed for the first time in about two months. Seeing that relief made doing the impossible suddenly seem like doing the right thing. I always felt like she had waited for me to come home before she decided it was time. I am grateful that we were able to dig a grave under her favourite cherry bush - the one she always used when terrorizing local birds in the summer evening sunshine after hearing your story. However, it is a fitting funeral for a cat named after a character in Arsenic and Old Lace to dig a shallow grave at midnight! I hope all the good cats are hanging out together and chasing delicious things somewhere.
Sorry for your loss, from another one of the posse.
|Date:||July 25th, 2013 05:12 pm (UTC)|| |
However, it is a fitting funeral for a cat named after a character in Arsenic and Old Lace to dig a shallow grave at midnight!
Well y'know, in his day, Abbie was
quite fond of re-taking San Juan Hill.
We had a brief discussion about how to change his name after the vet incident ("Uh, this one's a boy") and several possibilities were thrown around; the one that stuck the longest was Abbott ("HEY ABBOTTTT") and I believe even that lasted only a week. At the end of it all we just decided to keep the name and change the spelling. Why not?
If I had thought it at the time, I may have suggested Teddy. I am glad I didn't; Abbie suited him just fine. And a few years later I met zyrya
who had a cat named TR, which was naturally short for Theodore Roosevelt. That there, I knew, was a cat of impeccable character and charm.Edited at 2013-07-26 07:59 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I am sorry for your loss.
I never had the honor of meeting Abbie, but I heard a lot about him from Tracy. I'm sorry for your loss.
I offer my condolences. You were very lucky to have 16 years with Abbie, and to be there for the very last moment. You also wrote a really good story out of the experience.
It was nine years ago this month that I joined chaggalagirl
to put Nissa to sleep. She was five and we were her foster family. I didn't get to see my mother's father when he died, so I had some closure about that then.
Be ready for a random cat to console you and follow you home. It's not a bad thing. It's how we wound up with Jupiter Jane Thuglife.
I cried reading this.
*sends you a big box of hugs, to be replenished as needed*
|Date:||July 26th, 2013 02:53 am (UTC)|| |
Sending love, more love, and more love. There will be ice cream next week.
And more love.
Beautifully written, Rob. You and Abbie were lucky to have each other. I am, again, so sorry for your loss, and I share in your pain in remembering my own losses. Sending you hugs and healing thoughts during this sad time.
|Date:||July 27th, 2013 04:46 pm (UTC)|| |
|Date:||August 1st, 2013 11:14 pm (UTC)|| |
I'm so very very sorry.