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Ed note: Enough boldface there, Standwick? - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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July 12th, 2012


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04:00 pm - Ed note: Enough boldface there, Standwick?
Every now and then, since we owe him a favor or two, this journal thingo will feature the writings of Standwick Mushmeyer. Mr. Mushmeyer is a columnist at the Slimy Falls Times-Shopper, the only newspaper covering that corner of the tri-county area. We are assured by Mr. Mushmeyer that while he describes himself as "generally dissatisfied with just about everything", his local slice-of-life ponderings aim to entertain as well as enlighten. So without further ado, here is his latest column.

Vox Standwicki
By Standwick Mushmeyer
Wednesday, July 12, 2012

Greetings, fellow Times-Shoppers. If you turned to this page expecting Gladys Hazelton's gardening column, and it's a mystery to me why anyone would, I am afraid your expectations are now ruined. Our two columns have switched places. This now means, as you have just discovered, that your humble columnist's weekly ponderings are now to be found right here in the back of Living, just after the Novenas to St. Jude, and "Growing with Gladys" has moved up to Op/Ed. Far be it from me to question the infinite wisdom of the Times-Shopper editorial staff, but if you sincerely want to know Mrs. Hazelton's "opinions" on potting soil and junk from which to make planters, you'll need to go back.

This is the third week that I have had to explain this change. I do not know how I can make it any clearer. Please stop sending me letters. Gladys is on Page 5; go find her there.

Speaking of time elapsing, here we are in July of 2012 and that pothole on East Sycamore still has not been filled in. If anything, I think it's grown since I first reported on its car-jostling effects in March. Exactly how large must this asphalt hole become in order to be noticed? Large enough for a car carrying a baby to fall in? You'd better sit down for the answer, because it is most likely yes. I've gone through some scenarios in my head and the baby-carrying car is the worst because it's the most embarrassing. While the infant would undoubtedly suffer no injury, the incident would make Channel 8 News, the networks would pick up on it, and before you know it, we'd be known as the City with the Baby in a Pothole. This simply will not do. We all know how long it took to shake off the reputation after the mishap with the carillon at Closkey Park.

So where, I ask you, is the Department of Public Works? I can only conclude that they are working on a top-secret project somewhere in another town. This project must be so important to the tri-county area that all other works have been temporarily put on hold. It is the only way to explain the continued existence of not just the pothole, but the broken walk signal button at the corner of Beecher and Dwight and the misspelled signs on Harrison. (Gentlemen, the correct spelling is "SCHOOL ZONE" and I have never been more embarrassed by proxy of a civic department in all my life.)

A wise man once said "If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself." Well, I don't want it done right, I just want it done, so this is where you, dear readers, come in. If you really want to show the DPW a thing or two and you have a shovel, a wheelbarrow and/or some macadam, kindly bring them on down to East Sycamore next Saturday or any time you like, really. I'm not picky. The pothole's located just a little bit before the dump after the corner with the roadside memorial on the left side.

And on a lighter note, sure looks like the Burger Whizzard in the mall is closing. I can't say I'll miss it since I haven't been since the summer of 1996. I can say, however, that it seems karma has finally caught up with the restaurant which refused to serve breakfast even if it was clearly 10:28. Godspeed, Burger Whizzard, and may your replacement be one which serves pop in a small size. Your "medium and large only" nonsense only added to my suspicions.

Confidential to "J. Doe": What in creation is a blog and why should I acquire one for myself?

(4 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:sovay
Date:July 12th, 2012 08:01 pm (UTC)
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We all know how long it took to shake off the reputation after the mishap with the carillon at Closkey Park.

I do like you.
[User Picture]
From:mhaille
Date:July 13th, 2012 12:29 am (UTC)
(Link)
Brilliant.
From:zhym
Date:July 13th, 2012 12:43 am (UTC)
(Link)
Well done, sir. Well done indeed.
[User Picture]
From:teddywolf
Date:July 13th, 2012 02:44 am (UTC)
(Link)
Yes, but what *kind* of top-secret project in the next town?

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