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Melted Cheese Balls for charity - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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March 21st, 2011


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08:21 pm - Melted Cheese Balls for charity
Some of you might remember a while ago when my mom showed me a recipe I'd written when I was five years old for a delicacy called "Melted Cheese Balls". In case you forgot or never heard of it, here is the recipe for your perusal. A transcription is below.

MELTED CHEESE BALLS

1 teaspoon vanilla
3 slices cheese
1 stick of butter
1 cup sugar
1 cup flour

Heat oven 350°
Bake so cheese melts.

Serves: 4+1
I included the vanilla because when we made cookies, every recipe called for vanilla. So naturally it's a must in every situation.

I recently posted this in a Something Awful forums thread about unfortunate culinary moments, which is mostly concerned with boggling at the hideous abominations that the likes of Paula Deen, Sandra Lee, Simply Sara and those two crazy sisters in Texas have concocted in their feverish imaginations. Surely a five-year-old could do the same, and apparently he did.

I should mention we never did try to make the Melted Cheese Balls, which probably was a good thing in hindsight. However, after posting in the culinary thread, someone replied and said he was planning on actually trying the recipe and would put the results up on YouTube. You cannot begin to imagine the simultaneous feelings of incredulous mirth and horrified foreboding that ran through me. Yes, I love it when puppets dance for my amusement, but good god! Surely he has so much to live for!

So I told him that if he makes the recipe and it turns out to be vaguely edible and he can manage to eat some without gagging, I'll donate $50 to the charity of his choice for the Japanese relief effort. There's a kind of a charity challenge thing going on in the forums as well, you see. Over $50,000 has been donated to the likes of the Red Cross, Doctors Without Borders and such. (Yes, the organizations won't earmark the donations specifically for Japan, but they need financial help just the same.)

One poster said he'd donate $50, up to $750, for each person who shaved their head for the cause and posted proof. As of last count he'd reached his limit and moved it up to $1000 so more people could join in. There's now a lot of bald folks on the forums, including a married couple. I am not made of such money but I'll help as much as I can and besides, this is much cheaper than paying for the fellow's emergency room visit. I'd already donated in the thread for a collective challenge, so I figured this'll be a fun extra game. And I'll donate even if the guy can't manage a bite because I have to admire him for trying.

I hope to see a YouTube link soon and you'll see it once I do.

(22 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:lbmango
Date:March 22nd, 2011 12:26 am (UTC)
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For the record I think that that says to pre-heat the oven to 350, not heat over 350...

Also, the mechanics of mixing slices of cheese and sugar and flour is ... questionable...

ETA: Also, what does serves 4+1 mean? How does that differ from "serves 5"?

Edited at 2011-03-22 12:27 am (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:March 22nd, 2011 12:33 am (UTC)
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If I could bring me-at-5 around, I'm sure he could explain it all to you better than I could.

I think it's safe to say I had no idea what I was doing.
Damn, that'd make a good epitaph
[User Picture]
From:antikythera
Date:March 22nd, 2011 12:29 am (UTC)
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I love that it doesn't say what you actually do with all those ingredients.
[User Picture]
From:antikythera
Date:March 22nd, 2011 12:30 am (UTC)
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Also I think that last line says "Bake 50 cheese melts".
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From:derspatchel
Date:March 22nd, 2011 12:33 am (UTC)
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Scholars have pored over the document and determined the word in question is "so". 50 cheese melts would serve 4+1 if each one ate 9+1.
[User Picture]
From:zyrya
Date:March 22nd, 2011 11:58 am (UTC)
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I think it says "bake SOS heese melts" because it's clearly a hidden CRY FOR HELP.
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[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:March 22nd, 2011 04:48 am (UTC)
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Yeah, I was definitely thinking of singles. I could bite one into the shape of Idaho!
From:dimloep_suum
Date:March 22nd, 2011 01:05 am (UTC)
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My sweetie was reading me some of the posts on SA of people offering to donate x amount if certain douchebag users got permabanned. With that, and a lot of the other culinary threads, I think I know what my birthday gift to myself is gonna be.
From:cynicalgal
Date:March 22nd, 2011 01:05 am (UTC)
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I am convinced that the recipe serves 441, not 4+1. Each of the 50 cheese melts serves approximately 8-9 people. Five year-olds typically plan for large parties, which is how I know this must be true.
[User Picture]
From:cheezdanish
Date:March 22nd, 2011 01:51 am (UTC)
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Actually.

If you tossed in an egg and used sweet ricotta instead of....you know, yellow cheese. That could actually work. The sugar/flour ratio is way off, naturally, but still.
[User Picture]
From:thespian
Date:March 22nd, 2011 02:04 am (UTC)
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when I was 5ish, my recipe was dark corn syrup, peanut butter, chocolate chips, all rolled in crushed corn flakes and served, hors d'oeuvre-like, on swizzle sticks, because I had an extensive collection of them (my parents used to make me happy by bringing them back from 70s tiki lounges when they went out).

when I was 5 I thought it would be AMAZING to have made a recipe. that just seemed like it was awesome.

Considering the mixology thing of the past year, I don't seem to think i've changed much in 35 years, which is heartening.
[User Picture]
From:atothek
Date:March 22nd, 2011 02:55 am (UTC)
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I think there is something terribly, horribly wrong with me. Because this recipe sounds DELICIOUS.
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From:radiotelescope
Date:March 22nd, 2011 05:06 am (UTC)
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I've *made* cheese shortbread. It used just a tablespoon of sugar instead of a full cup, and the cheese was eight ounces of good Parmesan microplane-grated, but the rest is as written.
[User Picture]
From:radiotelescope
Date:March 22nd, 2011 05:07 am (UTC)
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(Sorry, four ounces of cheese. Forgot to halve it.)
From:lno
Date:March 22nd, 2011 02:46 pm (UTC)
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I am so disappointed that the hand-scrawled "Robert" doesn't have a backwards e in it.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:March 22nd, 2011 09:21 pm (UTC)
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I don't remember having any problems with the way the letters faced, so I could not set up the typical kiddie L3MONADE ZTAND. I was a phonetic reader, though, which meant I said words like "epi-tome" and "guh-naw".

I'm wondering who taught me to write a 1 like that. I can't ever remember writing it with the bottom serif. In fact, I remember an early school lesson in horrible rhyme which went "Draw a line down and there! You're done! Isn't it easy to make a 1?"

A backwards C on a backwards C, that is how you make a 3.

Edited at 2011-03-22 09:21 pm (UTC)
[User Picture]
From:hradzka
Date:March 22nd, 2011 07:59 pm (UTC)
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I will equal your $50 for the cheese balls. Let me know the charity.
[User Picture]
From:eeka13
Date:March 23rd, 2011 02:05 pm (UTC)
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At around the same age I made a recipe card for banana jam. It involved one banana, a bowl, and "smash with a fork."

My mom got really pissed at me for using a recipe card.

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