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might as well get this out of the way before it's December. - EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD!

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November 27th, 2007


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02:38 pm - might as well get this out of the way before it's December.
If I had one wish that I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing in the spirit of harmony and peace. And the second would be for 30 million dollars a month to be given to me, tax-free, in a Swiss bank account.

You know, if I had three wishes I could make this holiday season, the first, of course, would be for all the children of the world to get together and sing, the second would be for the 30 million dollars every month to me, and the third would be for encompassing power over every living being in the entire universe.

And if I had four wishes that I could make this holiday season, the first would be the crap about the kids definitely, the second would be for the 30 million, the third would be for all the power, and the fourth would be to set aside one month each year to have an extended 31-day orgasm, to be brought out slowly by Rosanna Arquette and that model Paulina somebody, I can't think of her name. (Of course my lovely wife can come too and she's behind me one hundred percent here, I guarantee it.)

Wait a minute, maybe the sex thing should be the first wish, so if I made that the first wish, because it could all go boom tomorrow, then what do you got, y'know?

No, no, the kids, the kids singing would be great, that would be nice. But wait a minute, who am I kidding? They're not going to be able to get all those kids together. I mean, the logistics of the thing is impossible, more trouble than it's worth! So, we reorganize!

Here we go. First, the sex thing. We go with that. Second, the money. No, we go with the power second, then the money. And then the kids. Oh wait, oh jeez, I forgot about revenge against my enemies! Okay, I need revenge against all my enemies, they should die like pigs in hell! That would be my fourth wish.

And, of course, my fifth wish would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace.

Thank you everybody and Merry Christmas.
- Steve Martin

(10 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:jrw
Date:November 27th, 2007 07:56 pm (UTC)
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1) Have you read his stand-up memoir yet? I'm hoping to get that for Christmas.

2) Hooray for the 'holiday wishes' bit. A perfectly executed idea.

3) Hooray for the "Say -- would you like to buy a monkey?" Cabin Boy usericon.
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:November 27th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC)
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1. Nope, and me too.

2. Someone on my friends list asked what everybody's one holiday wish gift would be (and concepts such as "total peace on Earth" didn't count) so I couldn't have used it as my reply, so I posted it here. It's one of the few holiday things I like.

3. Cabin Boy is one of those stupid as all hell movies that you still laugh at even though you don't think you should be laughing at it, at least, not past Andy Richter's part. "Capn says I'm as dumb as a carp. This is how a harem girl dances." So enjoyably surreal.
[User Picture]
From:mmcirvin
Date:November 28th, 2007 04:54 am (UTC)

Fancy Lads unite

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Cabin Boy is a masterpiece. I don't care what anybody says.

Also, I would like to applaud Paulina somebody for participating in one of the very few rock-star/supermodel marriages to actually be successful over the long haul. Also she is still incredibly hot.
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:November 28th, 2007 02:43 pm (UTC)

Re: Fancy Lads unite

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Does Ric Okasek still qualify as a rock star? In the "where are they now" section of the local paper, he's listed as "no longer making hit records, still banging Paulina Porizkova."

(No, my local paper doesn't really have a "where are they now" section. But I might read it more often if they did.)
[User Picture]
From:derspatchel
Date:November 28th, 2007 04:22 pm (UTC)

Re: Fancy Lads unite

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Rik Ocasek deserves no Faded Away status if he's still banging Paulina Porizkova. He should get props each and every year.

Happy Rik Ocasek Day!
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:November 28th, 2007 04:31 pm (UTC)

Re: Fancy Lads unite

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Happy Rik Ocasek Day to you, as well!

I should note that this does not make Dennis Kucinich a rock star, in spite of my admiration.
[User Picture]
From:spwebdesign
Date:November 29th, 2007 11:58 pm (UTC)

Re: Fancy Lads unite

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Is Dennis Kucinich also banging Paulina Porizkova?
[User Picture]
From:fancycwabs
Date:November 30th, 2007 04:48 am (UTC)

Re: Fancy Lads unite

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Mrs. Dennis Kucinich is enough.
[User Picture]
From:limax
Date:November 27th, 2007 08:28 pm (UTC)
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Thank you Spatch for that gem.
[User Picture]
From:markm
Date:November 28th, 2007 12:21 pm (UTC)
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Yay! A classic classic, if I may. (audio only)

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