Ralph Spoilsport, Ralph Spoilsport Motors ([info]derspatchel) wrote,
@ 2007-09-13 15:07:00
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HELLO I AM YOUR E-GUIDANCE COUNSELOR
HELLO SPATCH
(HELLO JORB WEBSITE)
HERE ARE JORBS FOR YUO
(OH AWESOME THX)

1. LOTTO MACHINE BALL PICKER-OUTER
2. HELICOPTER (NOT HELICOPTER PILOT, JUST HELICOPTER)
3. SALT SOMMELIER
4. ALPHABET RESEARCH & DEVELOPMENT (WE NEED NEW INNOVATIONS ON THE LETTER "G")
5. BOMP IN THE BOMP-SHA-BOMP-SHA-BOMP PUTTER-INNER
(REQUIRES 2 YEARS OF RAM IN THE RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG PUTTING-IN OR EQUIVALENT EXPERIENCE)
6. AUTHOR, THE BOOK OF LOVE
7. JEEP WRANGLER
8. LOUD SHOUTY GUY ON A TRAFFIC ISLAND
9. BURL IVES IMPERSONATOR
10. LOUD SHOUTY BURL IVES IMPERSONATOR ON A TRAFFIC ISLAND
11. MOVIE THEATER SEAT KICKER
12. CAPS LOCK INVENTOR
13. GUY WHO WRITES A WEBSITE PROGRAM THAT TELLS PEOPLE WHAT THEIR JORBS SHOULD BE

THANK YUO FOR USEING OUR FINE PROGRAM TODAY
HAVE A GOOD CAREER
(NO, YOU HAVE A GOOD CAREER)

(49 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]kpht
2007-09-13 07:23 pm UTC (link)
Effing brilliant, as always.

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[info]misquoted
2007-09-13 07:26 pm UTC (link)
This bud's for you. You are the Original Real Man Of Genius.

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[info]cheezdanish
2007-09-13 07:28 pm UTC (link)
Oh baby you knoooooow what I like!

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[info]markm
2007-09-13 07:31 pm UTC (link)
ha ha "jeep wrangler". Awesome

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[info]derspatchel
2007-09-13 07:34 pm UTC (link)
There's a lot of free-roaming jeeps out there, man! Someone's gotta keep 'em all together!

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[info]resk
2007-09-13 07:31 pm UTC (link)
THIS HEP YUO FIND G JORBZ.

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[info]derspatchel
2007-09-13 07:59 pm UTC (link)
I WOULD LIKE TO WORK AT GET NICE HOLDINGS
GETTING NICE HOLDINGS IS ALWAYS NICE!

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]scout1222
2007-09-13 07:33 pm UTC (link)
So wait, should I disregard the #2 Professional Athlete? I mean, I was ready to quit my job and try out for the Chargers.

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[info]allicat42
2007-09-13 08:45 pm UTC (link)
I hear the Atlanta Hawks are always scouting.... can't understand WHY. (Go Celtics!!!! oh. wait.)

The Falcons might need a new quarterback.
And the Patriots have an open position or two...

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]maga_dogg
2007-09-13 07:34 pm UTC (link)
You win.

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[info]fancycwabs
2007-09-13 07:35 pm UTC (link)
5. BOMP IN THE BOMP-SHA-BOMP-SHA-BOMP PUTTER-INNER
(REQUIRES 2 YEARS OF RAM IN THE RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG PUTTING-IN OR EQUIVALENT EXPERIENCE)

I'd like to shake your hand!

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]stealth_cat
2007-09-13 07:35 pm UTC (link)
LOL! I just made that my status message!

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[info]derspatchel
2007-09-13 07:39 pm UTC (link)
You're welcome for your baby falling in love with you.

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[info]moongoddess47
2007-09-13 07:52 pm UTC (link)
Me too. really. Brilliant

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]beth47
2007-09-13 07:54 pm UTC (link)
me too, me too!

(i would like to shake his hand! and other things!)

(also? i've been wanting to subscribe to his newsletter, and now i want to subscribe to yours.)

(bwahahaha HAHAHA. also? HAHAHAHAHAHA.)

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]redtheblue
2007-09-13 07:35 pm UTC (link)
It shows up in lists like that now, but loud shouty Burl Ives impersonator on a traffic island is one of the top growth industries in the nation.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]derspatchel
2007-09-13 07:41 pm UTC (link)
Indeed it is. I mean, when you come down to it, which would you rather hear while stuck at a red light:

"HEY MISTER I'LL SQUEEGEE YOUR WINDSHIELD FOR A QUARTER"

or

"I'M A LITTLE WHITE DUCK SITTING IN THE WATER, A LITTLE WHITE DUCK, DOING WHAT I OUGHTER"

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]gismonda
2007-09-13 08:11 pm UTC (link)
Hey, LITTLE WHITE DUCK is on MY career list.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]sdn
2007-09-13 07:37 pm UTC (link)
i love you. will you marry me?

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[info]derspatchel
2007-09-13 08:06 pm UTC (link)
Okay! But I think MARRIER was a little bit lower on that list!

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]sdn
2007-09-14 02:51 am UTC (link)
how about SHOUTY MARRIER?

hee.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]pirogoeth
2007-09-13 07:37 pm UTC (link)
11. MOVIE THEATER SEAT KICKER

I knew it!!! I knew people were paid to do that!! :O

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]28bytes
2007-09-13 07:54 pm UTC (link)
I believe it's an apprenticeship-type thing. For every professional seat-kicker there are dozens of unpaid novice seat-kickers in training.

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]derspatchel
2007-09-13 07:56 pm UTC (link)
The real problem is they get paid in tips, and there's not a lot of tippers out there.

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[info]allicat42
2007-09-13 08:48 pm UTC (link)
so, what you're saying is you could make a lot of money as a moyle?

(Reply to this) (Parent)(Thread)

[info]susskins
2007-09-14 01:16 pm UTC (link)
Zing!

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]gwynethfar
2007-09-13 08:10 pm UTC (link)
5. BOMP IN THE BOMP-SHA-BOMP-SHA-BOMP PUTTER-INNER
(REQUIRES 2 YEARS OF RAM IN THE RAM-A-LAM-A-DING-DONG PUTTING-IN OR EQUIVALENT EXPERIENCE)

Seriously, I don't think I've laughed this hard in a WHILE. Great jorb.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]amandaruth2001
2007-09-13 08:46 pm UTC (link)
Genius on top of more genius. Thank you!


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[info]annilita
2007-09-13 09:08 pm UTC (link)
He is quite a funny feller.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]modpixie
2007-09-13 08:18 pm UTC (link)
you know, i'd pay to see you take over "lottery live". (i can just see you in one of dawn whatsername's dresses. WHAT?)

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]derspatchel
2007-09-13 08:44 pm UTC (link)
I've always harbored a secret desire to be the person who draws the lottery numbers every night. Seriously. Those little machines that blew the ping-pong balls around fascinated me as a kid. The little spinning wheels that eventually slowed down, not so much.

But my god! The ping-pong blowing thing with the little vacuum shunnnnk! sound and the bizarre holder that let you rotate the ball around so the camera got a good view of the number, YES! Please let me use that on TV, television people! I promise I won't read the numbers wrong!!

Hell, I'd settle for one at home!

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]atothek
2007-09-13 08:19 pm UTC (link)
And for this evening's salt selection we have sea, iodized, kosher, Hawaiian, pretzel and margarita.

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[info]zrblm
2007-09-13 10:02 pm UTC (link)
I'll have the '76 Minneapolis road salt please. Coarsely ground.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]antikythera
2007-09-13 08:44 pm UTC (link)
I want to be a helicopter when I grow up.

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[info]suzepie
2007-09-13 08:49 pm UTC (link)
I took that damn thing and it wanted me to be a Funeral Director. WHAT.

And I concur with the other comments on your brilliancy, etc. Why the hell aren't you writing for McSweeney's? SRSLY.

(Reply to this) (Thread)

[info]eclecticavatar
2007-09-13 10:55 pm UTC (link)
Dude, Funeral Director is actually a frikkin sweet job. Surprisingly difficult field to get into though...

The above-which had little or nothing to do with anything, thank-u-very-much-k-thx-bye.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

[info]stannate
2007-09-13 08:55 pm UTC (link)
Jorbs? Is Coach Z designing career counseling websites now?

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[info]kissoflife
2007-09-13 09:04 pm UTC (link)
*is ded. gut bustedd. srsly.*

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[info]annilita
2007-09-13 09:07 pm UTC (link)
I just peed myself a little after reading #8. Oh, the lulz!

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[info]zhym
2007-09-13 09:54 pm UTC (link)
Note to self: never read Spatch's LiveJournal while in a meeting at work. Everyone else will wonder why you're laughing when everyone else is cranky.

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[info]ilovehpl
2007-09-13 10:34 pm UTC (link)
I could use a good salt sommelier. I always get it wrong.

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[info]lakilika
2007-09-13 10:54 pm UTC (link)
You are magnificent.

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[info]reveritas
2007-09-13 11:01 pm UTC (link)
if you're the author of the book of love, i'm the editor, and you're kind of repeating yourself with that "who" theme, see what i mean. i think it would make a little more sense if you just cut it down to two "who"s.

i'd mark it with a red pen but some fucker in the movie theater kicked it out of my hand.

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[info]arielblue
2007-09-13 11:10 pm UTC (link)
You frogot SPATCHY-IST SPATCH EVAR.

O wait, that jorb is filled.

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[info]alphacygni
2007-09-14 12:53 am UTC (link)
At the farmer's market in Kendall today, there was a stand selling nothing but gourmet salt blends.

ESTRANGERTHANFICTION

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[info]morgaine723
2007-09-14 02:06 am UTC (link)
I luff you Mr Spatch!

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[info]cerulgalactus
2007-09-14 09:05 pm UTC (link)
Alas and alak, you have too many correctly spelled words to be truly funny. But good luck in your loud, shouty career.

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[info]scuppa
2007-09-14 09:23 pm UTC (link)
Shouty! shouty! *burl ives...burl ives* (say it super low and scarefully)
on that thar island fayre
whutchardoin shoutin' thayre
in thine unherwhayre!!

(Reply to this)


[info]wahhappen
2007-09-14 11:20 pm UTC (link)
That's it. I'm moving to Boston.

(Reply to this)

(49 comments) - (Post a new comment)

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