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EXCELSIOR, YOU FATHEAD! - CAN'T STOP MAKIN FUN OF THAT MAN

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December 19th, 2005


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03:36 pm - CAN'T STOP MAKIN FUN OF THAT MAN
I know, it's odd and can be perceived as mean-spirited, but I mean it with the greatest, uh. Something or other. I mean, I'm fascinated by him, I think his perseverance at obtaining official city documents is amazing, and I was actually psyched to see him today referring to himself in the first-person singular. I feel like he's made a breakthrough.

Anyway, with that in mind, I present

DON WARNER SAKLAD ORDERS A PIZZA

Starring William H. Macy as Don, Heath Ledger as Pizza Dood, and as the Manager, the guy who played Principal Belding in "Saved By The Bell"

PIZZA DOOD
Thank you for calling Pizza Dood Pizzeria, may I take your order?

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Please procure from Pizza Dood and deliver, in small pizza format, the following: Crust, cheese, tomato sauce, green peppers, and pineapple.

PIZZA DOOD
So you want a small pizza? I am sorry, sir, we only have medium, large, and super extra large.

DON WARNER SAKLAD
It is impossible to consume a medium pizza with this stomach configuration. Why is there no smaller size than medium?

PIZZA DOOD
Medium is the smallest size we have, sir.

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Would it not be appropriate to designate the medium pizza as the small as it is the smallest size available!

PIZZA DOOD
...

DON WARNER SAKLAD
...

PIZZA DOOD
We have medium, large, and super extra large, sir.

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Describe the dimensions of the medium size pizza in centimeters, including the diameter and possible volume if the pizza variant is stuffed-crust.

PIZZA DOOD
Dude, it's medium-sized, okay?

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Please provide contact information for the manager of the Pizza Dood franchise at 1054 Wayward Drive.

PIZZA DOOD
Um, sir, I'm gonna hafta ask you to hold for a moment.

(there is the sound of phone scuffling.)

MANAGER
Hello, this is the manager, how may I help you?

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Please procure from Pizza Dood and deliver, in small pizza format, the following: Crust, cheese, tomato sauce, green peppers, and pineapple.

MANAGER
Will a medium pizza do? It's our smallest size.

DON WARNER SAKLAD
It is highly problematic that Pizza Dood presents a medium pizza as its smallest size. Please look into changing the size designations for clarity.

MANAGER
Listen, do you want the pizza or not?

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Why is Pizza Dood Pizzeria, on 1054 Wayward Drive, unable to present logical reasons for offering a medium pizza as its smallest size?

MANAGER
Sir, that's not my decision, that's Corporate's.

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Please provide contact information for the following individuals: Regional Manager of Pizza Dood Pizzeria Jim Abelson, Chief Executive Officer of Pizza Dood Pizzeria George Berghof, Chief Financial Officer of Pizza Dood Pizzeria Laura Wagner, Vice-President of Pizza Dood Pizzeria Business Development Sandy Grayson.

MANAGER
I'm not going to do that, okay, but I am going to make the smallest pizza possible for you, how's that?

DON WARNER SAKLAD
...

MANAGER
It'll be smaller than a medium.

DON WARNER SAKLAD
A pizza would be necessary and appreciated.

MANAGER
Great. Now what toppings did you want?

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Please include on the pizza cheese, tomato sauce, crust, green peppers and pineapple.

MANAGER
We don't have pineapple, sir. Would you like another topping instead?

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Please take a picture of the menu at the Pizza Dood Pizzeria on 1054 Wayward Drive and attach it in JPEG format to an email message sent to the following address:

MANAGER
I don't have time for this.

*click*

DON WARNER SAKLAD
...

DIAL TONE
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

DON WARNER SAKLAD
if self.status(Hungry) boolean-And onErr(PizzaCall) then doProcure(HotPockets);



fin

(13 comments | Leave a comment)

Comments:


[User Picture]
From:laurenhat
Date:December 19th, 2005 10:11 pm (UTC)
(Link)
Bwaha! And when he later decides to offer his leftover pizza/hot pockets to the other good citizens of Boston, it will of course include his standard bit --

DON WARNER SAKLAD
Before coming to retrive pizza, please provide the following information, even if we are the best of friends:
Name:
Phone number:
Email:
[User Picture]
From:rigel
Date:December 20th, 2005 02:10 am (UTC)
(Link)
WTF? =)
[User Picture]
From:coconuthead
Date:December 20th, 2005 02:46 am (UTC)
(Link)
I don't know who this fellow is, but that is a darn fine icon.
[User Picture]
From:qxam
Date:December 20th, 2005 03:03 am (UTC)
(Link)
You're talking about this, right?

http://www.livejournal.com/users/dsaklad/

Are you sure this isn't a failed AI experiment of some kind??
[User Picture]
From:laura47
Date:December 20th, 2005 04:34 am (UTC)
(Link)
we are discussing various solutions to the "saklad problem" including some "final solutions"

we need to get his ISP to serve him a different internet. that is the first step.

have you seek the saklad haiku?
[User Picture]
From:laura47
Date:December 20th, 2005 04:35 am (UTC)
(Link)
we are discussing various solutions to the "saklad problem" including some "final solutions"

we need to get his ISP to serve him a different internet. that is the first step.

have you seek the saklad haiku?

IN THE GRIM FUTURE OF HELLO SAKLAD, THERE ARE ONLY BARRIERS TO ACCESS

HELLO SAKLAD 40K!!!!

now we are desiging a saklad side scrolling game.
[User Picture]
From:alphacygni
Date:December 20th, 2005 05:25 am (UTC)
(Link)
"in small pizza format"

Buahahahaha!
You just made my month, or perhaps millenium.
Either way, a very stressful day was made much brighter.
[User Picture]
From:jackbishop
Date:December 20th, 2005 05:30 am (UTC)
(Link)
God, I fucking hate Saklad. I still subscribe to mit.bboard, for reasons beyond my ken, and it's become the Don Saklad personal wankspace for shit absolutely nobody else cares about.
[User Picture]
From:laura47
Date:December 20th, 2005 08:53 am (UTC)
(Link)
you know what i loved? i loved the "what is don saklad currently sucking" zephyr bot. You ever catch that?
[User Picture]
From:staunton
Date:December 21st, 2005 12:59 pm (UTC)
(Link)
BWAH! This made my morning. Thank you.
[User Picture]
From:dsaklad
Date:December 21st, 2005 03:00 pm (UTC)

well it's very good that these people are paying attention to something nobody cares about

(Link)
well it's very good that these people are paying attention to
something nobody cares about otherwise things that nobody else
cares about would be off in a corner crying

http://dontrespondtodonsaklad.blogspot.com/
[User Picture]
From:dsaklad
Date:February 5th, 2008 05:43 pm (UTC)

http://mypizzaring.com

(Link)
[User Picture]
From:pumaviking
Date:June 19th, 2009 06:45 pm (UTC)
(Link)
this is *still* hysterical, tho it's been lo many years since i was subjected to the real article.

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